It’s crazy how forgetful humans can be. All it takes is for America to elect Hitler as president and then to have President Hitler enact crazy socialist policies via the unprecedented executive power he gave himself (via voodoo). And then to have some terrorist shoot up a military base, and PPL GO BERFUCKINGZERK.
Well, people. Are you ready for the return?
Wouldn’t surprise me if you weren’t. In fact, you probs aren’t. Every time I bust out my favorite old school jam, Mark Morrison’s “Return of the Mack,” at a party/get-together/misc. social gathering, ppl front – they front mad hardcore. They’re like: “Uh, why you playing that stupid song, guy?” Some other douche: “Yeah, this ain’t the 90s.” What the fuck ever.
Mark Morrison is god. And he will return. Just you see. He never really went away if you’re a true believer. If you have truly kept your faith. Only reason he’s not topping the charts right now or getting mad blog love is because the media pretty much crucified him for petty shit. Real petty shit. It makes me sad when I see shit like that happen. It like alienates me from society cause I see all the evil that is around. Even Mack’s own people, the Brits, persecute him. Not good, y’all. The Brits are descendants of Romans, y’all. You know who else was Roman? Pontius Pilate.
He’s an innocent man (misunderstood) feat. DMX.
Are y’all ready for the return of The Mack?
I watched Spice World on VHS last weekend. Rekindling my childhood infatuations with 90s girl/boy groups has never been so revelational. How was Baby Spice my fave? Clearly, Victoria was the only one who was Beckham-worthy, and Scary AKA Mel B. was cuter than my 9 yr old self gave her credit for. I just thought she was literally scary back then.
CUZ 2-NITE IS THE NITE WHEN 2 B-CUM 1
Overtly sexual, but very inspirational.
Speaking of overtly sexual, I just remembered that there’s titty-grabbing in that movie when unconvincing and awkwardly low-budget aliens come to abduct the Girls. He/she grabbed her “Spice Rack.”
Kinda turned on.
Next poorly made movie from my tweenage years: “Good Burger.”
o hai laser pointer
Thank yall for supporting my blog today. Sort of feeling like a celebrity blogger now cos not only did I get my “groove” back, but I topped my personal best: 41 views in a day. Some days I feel like anyone can be anything in America.
Google trend: ‘cougar town’
In the spirit of my last post — and since it probably makes my blog more culturally relevant/readable, I’m going to “review” another trending search term on Google. This one happens to be for ABC’s newest sitcom: “Cougar Town,” starring a milftastic but charmingly self-deprecating Courtney Cox. I love that ABC understands the cultural significance of cougars because it seems like ever since “40 became the new 20,” women everywhere have been vying for the chance to “coug.” I think my mom deep down wishes she were a cougar, but she is a lil 2 prissy and not an alchy.
For those of you who are culturally impaired and don’t know what a coug is, here is a cougar in the wild:
Here are cougars in their natural habitat:
“A coug on the prowl:”
Here is a famous cougar:
My blawg seems to be doing pretty poorly of late. Especially since I composed the worst blawgpost of all time. (If you’re like me and still can’t get enough Kanye memes, go here.) Maybe my blog is so fail-bound because I like Kanye memes? I feel pretty low-culture when I talk about this stuff.
Anyway, as you can see from this chart I totes made all by myself, my blog has been in the shithole since late August.
oh, wherez my laser pointer??
Since it seems I am out-of-step with the internets, I have dedicated this post to shit ppl like to Google (via Google hot trends).
My childhood hero
1) Pee-wee Herman hopes America has forgotten (or at least will forgive him for) masturb8ing in a movie theater. I grew up watching Pee-wee. Pretty sure Big Adventure was one of the first movies I ever saw. But apart from a few appearances in mediocre films, I haven’t seen much of Paul Reubens since he jacked off in public. But now he’s bringing his show back for the stage only. He even made an appearance on Jay Bananaface’s show. America loves you again, Pee-wee. You’ll always be my hero.
GURLS WHO PLAY FOOTBALL R HAWT
17) “how old is kathy ireland” – This one just Ps me O. Why do ppl ask Google questions? As if Google were some shitty question-based search engine like Ask Jeeves. Stop asking Google questions, K!?? I’m not even going to address this one cos I hardly know who this broad is. Apparently she used to be a super-hawt model who could play football with the boyz, and now she’s going through celebrity midlife crisis AKA she’s on “Dancing with the Stars.”
Coincidentally, these are NOT old ppl. Just some cousins of mine who have an aging disorder.
91) “how will i look when i’m older” – Googlers want to know what they will look like when they are Googling things in the futures, apparently. While researching for this blawgpost (yeah I do research even though I’m not in university), I found this kewl website that is like Photobooth app + Time Machine (but an actual time machine). It takes a picture of you and guesses how you’d look like as an old person. Or if you’re into racial metamorphosis like Michael Jackson was, you can change your face to black (Afro Caribean) or AZN.
Not looking forward to growing old.
But sorta looking forward to morphing into a Rollerderby dyke.
She would look slightly attractive if I were drunk^3.
^My new employer
I don’t know how much of my ‘personal life’ I can include in this blog anymore. After all, I am working for the man now. And I am supposed to be an objective reporter who makes no intimations of having an opinion, ever. Though I now write this blog under a nom de plume (sort of), I don’t think it would take much to figure out who the author of this blog is. It’s sort of like this pseudo-hockey-memoir by Cleo Birdwell AKA Don DeLillo.
I’m going to Victoria next week to find a place to live. I realized as I was typing “Victoria” that I don’t have a cool nickname or urbanism for it yet. There was no word for the city I could use to tell the world: HEY I AM CONSTANTLY ON URBANDICTIONARY.COM. WHAT? NO, NOT LOOKING UP WORDS. ACTUALLY WRITING DEFINITIONS TO THE FRESHEST WORDS ON THE STREETZ.
After a mini tweet-fest, I came up with— POSH.TX (via “Victoria” Beckham via The Spice Girls). What to do you think? Does coming up with this fresh nickname augment or diminish my kewlness? Should I launch a marketing campaign for the City of Victoria? Am I a jackass?
Ppl reading this: I'm really happy for y'all. But this was the worst blawgpost of all time!
DP in GAP-like pose.
First they name an album Bitte Orca; then they perform a song with Björk called “Mt. Whittington Orca.” Dirty Projectors must really like whales. Whereas Björk really likes swans, but dead ones— Remember the early 2000s?
As I made a trip downtown to make a bank deposit this past weekend, I felt nostalgia for my days as a Life & Artser at the Texan (Only four months ago — it feels like it’s been years!). I noticed people trekking down Congress around Waterloo Park. Then I remembered where I’d been this time of year in 2008: the Hot Sauce Festival.
So naturally I was curious to see (1) if the Texan would cover it again this year (2) how it would fare against my impeccable reportage from last year.
So here we go — The Daily Texan, 2009 v. JJ Velasquez, 2008. Round 1: lede.
2009
Though the temperature outside was a cool 93 degrees, thousands of mouths were on fire at the 19th annual Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival on Sunday at Waterloo Park.
2008 (me)
In 94-degree weather, Austinites flocked to the 18th annual Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival held in Waterloo Park.
Analysis: OK, so they’re vaguely similar — if not eerily similar (I don’t blame people for looking to me for inspiration). I win in the word category, checking in at a slender 19 words. I will excuse my neglecting to include the day on which it was held; it was an economical decision. Everyone knows the when in The Five W’s is the most redundant. Plus the inclusion of such information can lead to clunky sentences with the stylistically-erroneous date-before-place sequence (i.e. “on Sunday at Waterloo Park”). The writer’s ironic use of the word “cool” and contrast with the “mouths on fire” was cute, I’ll give her that. But cute is not cute (without the ‘e’)-and-dried; it’s not concise. You see what I did there? — I was being cute (and emo with a TBS reference).
I will stop there because it’s obvious this was hardly a contest (Actually, I didn’t read the rest of the article).
/fake arrogance obvs
So I’ve moved out of my country home. It’s back to city slickin’ for me. Expect a picture post soon! Other coming attractions to this blog: I plan to write an essay on how I spent my summer (vacation) — only I have created a crude blueprint of my house to enhance the narration.
Laredo
I’m taking all my things back home to Laredo. I dreaded the prospect of this at the start of the summer, when I thought I’d be fighting all odds to land a job — and indeed I am. But now I’m tranquilized by my imminent return to the third dumbest city in America. I feel like, instead of growing up, I’m reverting to a baby; I want to nestle in a crib underneath a rotating canopy playing the most soothing of lullabies. I want Mom to hug and kiss me everyday and make me food. I want Brothers to fight, scream, and kick, hurling their Nintendo controllers across the room when the game upsets them. I want, most of all, to be dependent again.
Job hunting
However tempting it is to live a reclusive life in the basement—only coming out to toast a Pop-Tart every now and then, living and dying and never being weaned off the proverbial family teat—I know that it just ain’t practical (disregard: at the moment, but hopefully soon?).
So I’m now a full-time job hunter. JournalismJobs.com is like my Facebook — so addicted. I’m also addicted to using em dashes. Em dash — em dash — em dash! I recently discovered the keyboard shortcut; leave me alone. Jobs I have applied to:
Position: Seeking cutting-edge reporter; Company: Victoria Advocate
Position: Business/government reporter; Company: Austin Business Journal
Position: County and state government reporter; Company: Williamson County Sun
Position: Editorial assistant; Company: Prufrock Press, Inc.
I also applied to the North Lake Travis Log and the Round Rock Leader, but I didn’t hear anything back, which is slightly disquieting because how many entry-level journalists even want those jobs? And I didn’t impress enough to even get a half-assed e-mail response informing me of my rejection? Aside: I recently responded to a craigslist ad seeking a part-time reporter for a “subscription news site.” I received a cryptic response in which I was told the interesting candidates have been contacted and interviewed, the e-mail ever-so passively telling me I suck — wtf? Turns out it was for this shitty Web site. When will someone save journalism already?
The good news is I did get a response from the Victoria Advocate, whose site — and I’m not even kissing ass here — is absolutely beautiful, I mean orgasmic. From the layout to the color scheme and multimedia prominence, it is very aesthetically pleasing. Anyway, I have a telephone interview tomorrow with their editor, and I’m pretty excited about it. For a smaller newspaper, the Vic Ad really knows what’s up.
Wish me luck!
Tom Delay was born in Laredo. Yuck!
Heavy shit went down this week. I had a first-hand encounter with the newspaper apocalypse. The publisher and a reporter were fired, and a few other positions were laid off. In an earlier post, I had noted that the newspaper was sold recently from Cox to Southern Newspapers, Inc. in Houston. So the new guys are definitely shaking things up.
The whole thing was sort of painful to watch. It was especially awkward when the reporter got fired. I had taken over his beat and have since rescinded (explaining to my editor that I simply can’t live a town without friends or family when the pay I would be earning would barely keep me afloat). When he found out that I wasn’t staying either, he asked if it was by choice or if they had fired me too. Yikes. There are now two full-time reporters at the newspaper.
After, my buddy from work and I did as journalists do and got trashed at a local bar. I got really drunk, and it was good to—at least for a while—forget how broke I am and how I am working in a shovelfucked industry. And how I’m going to be jobless in less than two weeks.
